Stepping Up

Tomorrow, I start work as a registrar. A registrar in Anaesthetics and Intensive Care, to give me my new job title. I'm about to make the step up from the ranks of "the junior doctors" to "the middle grades"

I’m starting a new job, in a new hospital (in fact, at TheBigTeachingHospitalDownTheRoad) with a greatly increased level of responsibility. I’ve now completed the transition from being “the doctor who knows when to get help” to being “the help.” Previously, I’ve known that if I found myself in a situation that could get out of control; that I could call on the anaesthetic registrar to come and bail me out. Now, I’m the bail out person and there’ll be no one around to bail me out if things go wrong. That thought is pretty scary.

It feels like I’ve come a hell of a long way in what seems like a vanishingly short period of time. Two years ago, I gave my first simple anaesthetic to a patient. From tomorrow, I’m going to be expected to look after the intensive care unit out of hours. I’m going to be expected to know what to do with all the life-support machines that the patients are on. I’m going to be expected to manage all the various inotropic infusions, the ventilators, the haemofilters and dialysis machines. I’m going to be expected to know what to do with intra-cranial pressure bolts, jet oscillators and all manner of complicated things. To be honest with you, I’m a bit worried.

I’ve got a slightly empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I’m standing on the top of a very high building, leaning over the edge. I’ve had this feeling before, I recognise it well. I had it when my Dad was driving me down for my first day of university. I had it the first time I stepped into a hospital as a medical student. I certainly had it on my first day of work as a doctor. I had it the first time I was fast-bleeped to A&E resus as a medical SHO. I had it the first time I was on-call for anaesthetics, and tonight, I’ve got it again.

It’s partly the fear of the unknown, but it’s mostly the fear of what can go wrong. It’s the fear of hurting people, of doing the wrong thing, of not being able to help someone who needs my help.

Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic, I don’t feel anywhere near as scared as I did on my first day as a doctor. I actually feel that things are going to be OK for me and for my patients. I know that the consultants and the nurses will know that I’m new and that they won’t be expecting miracles from me. I know that I need to ask about things that I don’t understand, and I have a feeling that I’ll be asking a hell of a lot of questions initially. Given a choice, I would have preferred to have another six months as an anaesthetic SHO, but our training is not set up that way and I’ve got to make the step up now.

So here I am, swotting up on the Surviving Sepsis Bundles and wondering how I’m going to cope tomorrow when I walk on to the intensive care unit as “the new reg.”

Work is about to get a hell of a lot more interesting…